You Must Get into Their Space Along with Approach
In SanMyu’s subdiscipline of interpersonal psychology, SoGye,
there is one heavily emphasised element together with Step-In (pre-approach),
and that is entry into the opponent’s personal space, termed Space Occupation.
The terminology originates from the mythology of Jeolaebu, describing the entry into the cliffside village following the disappearance of the boarder surrounding it.
Generally, people interpret personal space as an uninterrupted ‘safe-zone’ surrounding one’s physical body, but in order to improve on interpersonal skills especially with unfamiliar strangers and pressuring situations, you must gain clear and deep understanding of Space Occupation.
It’s soon to be lunch time so you call up your friend who’s working in a company beside yours to catch up with him, but he says he’s already got a plan to get lunch with his female colleagues.
You jokingly go “man, that’s cool, maybe count me in next time,” without expecting much
then he says “do you wanna come as well? we’ve got some catching up to do anyway.”
You say yes with excitement. Hopefully you’ll get to meet some cool new people. Being single, you also don’t exclude the possibility of something good happening.
You enter the cafe, and spot your friend seated with two very beautiful woman.
From here on, let’s take a look from the third person’s perspective to see what mistakes will be made in the events to follow.
The moment you enter the cafe you’ve seen your friend, and seeing him seated with two women, you can easily tell that those two people are whom you’re going to meet today.
most people make the mistake of only acknowledging the friend and completely ignoring the other two until he introduces them, for the fear of getting awkward saying hi.
In this case, you do not get yourself known to the strangers during your approach,
violating the rule of Pre-Approach Knowledge.
On the other hand,
if you start introducing yourself out of the blue even before your friend does it,
you are not smoothening your approach, possibly making them uncomfortable,
violating the rule of Leaving The Hand Behind.
Anyhow, after briefly greeting your friend, a formal-ish introduction will follow.
“This is my friend Jake, and these are my work colleagues Rachael and Sam.”
At this point, most people stay completely frozen. With adequate space in between them and the strangers, and with awkward expression on the face, they will merely nod, smile and only pass “yes, hello, nice to meet you.”
While overextending yourself like excessive complementing and grabbing for a handshake is a mistake, not moving at all and staying at a distance like in this scenario is an even bigger mistake.
Not only do you lose a good opportunity to appeal yourself as an attractive or trustworthy person, for a significant duration of time following this will be an ice-cold stiffness.
After having made a natural and seamless approach, is the time for occupying and narrowing the space: Space Occupation.
Having a concrete understanding in this scenario is having a solid base for not only a dating scenario, but also in other forms of interpersonal situations.
SanMyu’s subdiscipline of interpersonal psychology SoGye, teaches to
always occupy the space after making the Pre-Approach Knowledge and the LTHB.
Everybody has a personal bubble of space that surrounds
their physical self and the psychological self.
There is one clear rule to the Space,
that the one who first invades into another’s space gains the upper hand.
Generally, such invasion into another’s personal space is carried out by
someone who is socially or psychologically ‘higher’,
like from a teacher to a student, from a boss to an employee, etc.
As the occupation of space occurs in a such way,
the person who manages to occupy the space during the first meeting gives off an illusion of being attractive and charismatic, without actualy having those qualities.
Therefore, in various forms of interpersonal approach where exuding attractiveness, appealing trustworthiness and showing off charisma is required, Space Occupation must occur. This is the reason why memorising specific conversational lines and practicing body language will not have an impact, if without actual precise knowledge of interpersonal psychology.
However, despite its importance and high efficacy, it has a critical drawback.
A person automatically and instinctively feels discomfort and a sense of antagonism to someone who enters the privacy of their personal space without their agreement.
This is what creates a small difference between giving off the attractive vibe and sexually harassing people. It is also the difference between being confident and self-assured, and being narcissistic and rude.
That is why the Space Occupation must be accompanied with adequate Pre-Approach Knowledge and LTHB. The success of three concepts are inter-dependent.
Don’t Do What’s Embarassing For Yourself
I met a young friend somewhere in the mid-20s, who called himself a ‘pick-up artist’, who said that it transformed himself to be more confident in meeting women.
Although I’ve listened to his story for a quite a long time over a coffee,
the only impression I got from him were two things.
One was how anxiously he moved his eyes, without making any contact, whilst telling me how he’d became a great man who can easily seduce woman.
Another was his ‘secret method’ of putting an expensive sports car key on the table while talking to a woman to make a conversation topic.
Would learning those actually turn you into a man of charisma and confidence, who can attract many women?
While SoGye also teaches various interpersonal tips as a complete field of study, and the methodology can be used to help in dating women, we use it in a context of broad interpersonal relationships.
SanMyu teaches as such:
“There is no method for a pathetic and small person can achieve a dream of greatness.”
Rather than microscopically zoning into the dating game, have a broad, overall improvement in interpersonal relationships as your goal in mind, and expand that even further to achieve self-improvement.
(Continued to the next entry in the series)
I have deliberately transcribed the teachings of my teacher.