Interpersonally, space is not a physical distance, but cognitive distance
Personal space is often described as a ‘personal privacy bubble’, but it isn’t a matter of physical distance. It is the cognitive distance that matters.
Generally, it is normal to feel slight discomfort and uneasiness when somebody approaches you within 1~2 meters, and that’s what most people understand by ‘personal space’, but that’s not the whole picture.
Inside a bus, nobody gets uncomfortable just because somebody sat on the other side of the window, even though it’s mere 2 meters away.
However in a quiet basement parking at midnight, even a distance footsteps or shadows will heighten your alertness.
(Attenion males, now you know you’ve got to be considerate when walking behind women in the middle of the night)
Hence, you must keep in mind that personal space occurs from the moment your presence has been noticed.
That is why in the first and second chapters of this series, I have emphasised the concept of Pre-approach Knowledge, to not only allow your presence to be noticed, but also the principle of LTHB to smoothen your approach.
Instead of direct physical contact, you must use indirect physical contact
I remember coming across a book that advised:
in order to come across as attractive and increase your chance of asking some out,
lightly touch their upper arm incidentally.
Of course at the last paragraph it had been mentioned to be cautious
that if you do it wrong you might be accused as a molester.
So it makes me wonder what the author was expecting.
are incorrect understanding of how to enter another person’s personal space to
create a sense of attraction or build trust. Space Occupation ought not be interpreted as direct physical contact.
As mentioned above, personal space is not a matter of physical distance
but a matter of cognitive distance.
When you are working on your desk and your boss comes to you from behind
and just observe what you are doing quietly, that itself causes uneasiness and mild psychological pressure.
If we escalate that to the boss putting his arm on the back of the chair,
you will feel greater pressure and discomfort.
However these are conventionally done ‘downward’, not ‘upward’.
Hence, to those use physical contact as a method of choice, I always ask this.
When they interact with an intimidating professor they’ve been trying to impress,
will they go and touch their arm, touch their shoulders etc.
Beyond the narrow field of simply dating and romantic approach, if you wish to
gain a deep interpersonal strength capable of effective space occupation,
that works in various contexts regardless of situation and environment,
you must disregard physical contact based on actual touch,
and understand indirect contact approach that feels like touch-contact.
It is an approach where after the initial Space Occupation is done, you bring about the efficacy of actual physical contact, without inducing uneasiness or wariness. This indirect contact that brings about natural attraction and builds people’s confidence in you is called Shape-Contact, in SoGye.
You must enter the space before subconscious vigilance, or give a plausible justification
Shape-Contact brings about natural attraction and invokes a sense of trust.
In order to effectively use it to somebody whom you’ve just met,
or even those whom you’ve known but were not very close to,
you must be able to use either of the following two methods.
First one is
naturally entering the opponent’s personal space by Space Occupation
before their subconscious vigilance is activated against your attempt to do so.
Through a quick, smooth succession of events that do not alert people, you complete your entry into the personal space while they are still empty-minded. This is what has been described during Chapters 1 and 2 of this series.
Second method is used
when your attempt to enter the personal space has been recognised and they have become vigilant to your approach. At this point, you can nullify the vigilance through Allured Agreement, where they allow you to enter their personal space.
Collection of methods that involves understanding of others’ thoughts and alluring approval.
This is a much more difficult part, but I reckon this will be what all those young lovers looking for a sweet dates are most interested in, because this is the bridge towards actual physical contact such as a kiss or an intimate touch.
As the later methods involve situations where your intent to enter the personal space is recognised, it is used mainly to bring about their approval and consent.
This is what I tell couples:
“You are dating and growing in love because you like each others.
Don’t worry too much that they will find it repelling.
Even if someone you love make a mistake, it’s not a thing to hate.
Just make sure they don’t feel too startled.”
If all the theories you’ve learned so far is a little too difficult, don’t think too complicated and ask them nicely with warmth sincerity.
Of course, not too direct. 🙂
(Continued to the next entry in the series)
I have deliberately transcribed the teachings of my teacher.